I was talking to my kids today, and mentioned that a certain person was their cousin’s godparent. This inspired my youngest to start grilling me.
“What’s a Godparent?” he asked. I tried explaining, by saying that I thought a godparent was someone who stood with you and your parents when you were baptized, and said that they would make sure that you were raised with god’s teachings.
“Was I baptized?” he asked then. I told him that he was not. He made a kid’s grumpy noise. I told him that it wasn’t a party, or a time when you get toys. It was when you are cleansed of original sin. Kind of so you can start off life with a clean slate so to speak.
This kind of went on for five minutes or so, simple questions asked by my 9 year old. Not so easy answers for me. He asked if there was a god, is there a heaven, is there a hell. Are we catholic? Why not?
I told him I didn’t know if there was a god, but that I didn’t think so. He said “oh” to that, but went on to say that even so, he wished that there was a heaven, because he’d like to go there. I told him how we weren’t Catholic anymore.
He even started reasoning out for me, why he was thinking I wasn’t a catholic anymore…..that I have lots to do these days, I have a job, and kids, lots to do. I had to tell him that it just isn’t that simple. There aren’t excuses to make, you just are or you aren’t. And I’m not.
I said I just don’t really believe in god anymore, so it seems silly to participate in the faith I was raised in. I know it would make my family happy, but I won’t do it. Not anymore anyways. I used to humor them.
This, mind you, all in answer to a 9 year old.
My daughter said I better not tell grandma (my mom) that, it would hurt her feelings. I laughed inside, even my 11 year old daughter had better sense than I did. I told her that my mom knows how I feel, we talked about it a long time ago. And yes, it did make her sad. She got tears in her eyes, and asked me if I really thought that dad wasn’t in heaven, that he was just gone. It made me want to cry too, but I said yes, it I do believe that.
We don’t talk about it anymore.
I wonder sometimes, about not raising my children in any religion. As that is the only way that I know how to grow up. Maybe it is more challenging teaching them the moral values and such without all the reinforcement of the church putting the fear of god into them. But they don’t have the awful ‘purgatory babies’ guilt on them either, like I did.
I’m sure they’ll turn out ok, right?
Maybe that's why I like Lutheranism, because there's no guilt to give the kiddo, with the concept of faith being entirely good enough... and even with just a little bit of faith being good enough, at that (mustard seed and all).
ReplyDeleteAt that point, everything is "good enough" so there's no fear of God, and there is a feeling of absolutely unconditional forgiveness for my wrongs.... and there's a chance to begin each day anew so to speak, without feeling like crap over my shortcomings. And thankfully, there's no purgatory babies shit, either.
I want to believe that life doesn't just end, that we're more than some evolved cells. No one can explain to me what the "zot" that got things started with the Big Bang (thought I do believe in the BB itself, and evolution etc.) I'll happily take my thought that something above my reasoning (God or gods, or whatever) made it happen over "nothing became something for no reason at all and that's that".
If it's just something that makes me sleep better at night, and gives me a reason to be happy enough to try and take care of other people, then I'm just as well off as if I'm wrong, just with more hope.
Make sense?