I've got
no business being upset. But there it
is. I'm not perfect anymore.
I should
provide the caveat that I never really was actually. Just as far as general health and
functionality goes, this body has been a real workhorse for me.
I've
historically been extremely healthy. I
seldom have, or ever have, had a decent reason to call in sick. Maybe one day a year, I could be called
'sick'. The rest of the time, it's just
a headache maybe, or I'm wicked tired from doing something. Or I just plain didn't want to go into work
that day.
FYI, Not
counting the day I was high on some kind of opiate pain killer after my kidney
stone, I haven't called in sick for almost two years now.
After I
was laid off for that extended period starting in 2009, my work philosophy does
not include sick days, where I am not actually sick. Which is a good thing. Way better than in the mid 90's, when I'd
call in sick pretty regular, just to take road trips with my wife. Or even just go home sick and watch midday
television.
Once, I
called in sick, but didn't tell my best friend ahead of time. So while he was at work, my wife and I took
his wife with us on some road trip adventure.
Boy was he mad! He wanted to have
gone too!
Once
again, I digress though.
My point
is, that I've always been healthy, and durable.
Despite
being pretty hard on this body. Through
physical activity via six years of football, and occasional track use, plus all
the other dumb stuff a young person does:
I never broke one bone. For Forty
years.
Never had
to have an operation, of any kind. For
forty years.
Then, in
my fortieth year, the kidney stone; stupid lump removal on my head; and a
broken kneecap.
What the
fuck is going on here?
And now,
my perfect body, isn't going to be perfect ever again. It's the long slide to decrepitude.
The
kneecap, seen on X-ray today, isn't healing well in my opinion. Compared to the one taken the day after I
broke it, now almost 10 weeks ago; the one from today looks not substantially different to me.
Basically,
it still looks as broken as the first day. At least to me. It depresses the
fuck out of me. Will it ever heal together?
I'm walking around more or less normally now. Is that preventing the
bones knitting?
A
physicians assistant tells me no.
I get
vague reassurances, that it seems to be healing well. Or that, it's hard to tell, but there may be
bone filling in the gap here, it just appears so much lighter compared to the
surrounding original bone......
I hate
it. The broken off part of the kneecap
(patella), is not lined up properly with the larger piece, and when it heals in
it's current position, will be misaligned slightly, to the aft direction, as
seen by looking down at it.
Does that
make a difference? Probably not, as far
as immediate functionality goes. In the
future? Who can say?
In my
mind, the misaligned edges, that will be sticking out, in the direction of the
joint (!!!) will be pointy little potential problems. A weak spot to be exploited by every misstep
or kneeling position I take in the future.
And,
immediately speaking. Devastating to my
psyche. I feel crooked. Every ache I feel in my newly released from
restrictions knee, I imagine to be the bone piece, moving wildly against it's
mate. Grinding itself into smaller
pieces, to be trapped in the joint, and leave me immobile on some future
pedestrian train track crossing. Unable
to move from in front of the Polar Express, or an Amtrak Commuter train.
If it
does not heal, then we are back to surgically removing the small loose piece.
Which I am ambivalent about. Without
that piece of bone in there, the same crazy train death scenarios apply.
I know,
it's all in my head. I've had a good run
of luck with health, and I need to get over it.
But I
just can't do it today.
Cheers? I don't think so.
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